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Saturday, May 12, 2012

The Onion: Minnesota Braces For The Return of Michelle Bachmann: The Week in What Didn't Happen, This Time Not From Fox News


Michelle Bachmann
This post was originally posted at FRS Daily Press

The State of Minnesota has had five months to recover from the return of Representative Michelle Bachmann, who thank God doesn’t represent the whole state, only 600K or so Minnesotans have to put up with her. And a lot of those people are mental patients, which is Representative Bachmann’s base of support, being that she’s one of them, just on the lam. You would think that she would be easy to track down, seeing that she’s a U.S. Representative who works in Congress. But that’s perhaps a different story.

I thought I would give a status report on the damage that Representative Bachmann has caused. Report what’s she been saying and then report on what’s actually been happening. This week she endorsed Mitt Romney for President and within five minutes of that, Governor Romney’s polls with Independents plummeted and he lost ten points. The Flip Flopper in Chief, managed to bring those numbers back by supporting a constitutional amendment to make same-sex Marriage the law of the land. Which won him support with the homosexual community, something that only Mitt Romney can do. Being that he has a clones of himself.

In other news Representative Bachmann announced that there isn’t a Republican War on Women. Five minutes later she came out for a law that would ban women from the workforce. Her husband Marcus Bachmann also came out of the closet and supports Governor Romney’s constitutional amendment to make same-sex marriage the law of the land as well. He also endorsed Mitt, but endorsed his clone Mitt, the liberal Mitt by accident. So the liberal Mitt picked up points in the homosexual community as well. Which doesn’t do much good for the real Mitt, whoever that person is.

The real Mitt is MIA and there’s an all points bulletin now to try to track down the real Mitt. Officials believe they know what the real Mitt looks like. They’ve seen pictures of him and have talked to Mitt’s other clones. Neoconservative Mitt, Moderate Mitt and Conservative Mitt. But have been unable to track down the real Mitt so far. So the week in what didn’t happen, this time not from Fox News, Fox News is currently on vacation, actually in court. Dealing with libel lawsuits filed against them by Democrats. But announced they’ll be back next week reporting everything that didn’t happen next week. Including a special report from Sean Hannity, on the Democratic War on Memorial Day. Honoring the service of our servicemen and women.
The Onion: Minnesota Braces For The Return of Michelle Bachmann's Full-Attention

The Onion: Andrea Barret & Piper Cahill- Mitt Romney to Travel Back in Time to Kill Liberal Versions of Himself

Mr. Flip Flopper-
This piece was originally posted at FRS Daily Press

Imagine if Mitt Romney could travel back in time to change more liberal positions he use to have, that me as a Liberal respect. Like when he supported civil unions for same-sex couples just six years ago. Just one position that has pissed off the Christian Right when he was Governor of the Democratic State of Massachusetts. Or back in 1994 and I’m guessing even before that, when he was running for U.S. Senate against Senator Ted Kennedy. Being pro-choice on abortion, or back in 2005-06, signing the twin brother or sister of the Affordable Care Act. Better known as ObamaCare.

But telling the difference between ObamaCare” and RomneyCare, is like telling the difference between the Olsen twins, seeing them for the first time. Or better yet imagine if Mitt could clone himself, when he’s running in Massachusetts. He’s the Liberal Mitt, when he’s running for president in a religious and neoconservative GOP. He’s a more Conservative Mitt, but not far enough for the Far Right. That he scares off independent voters, which is where he is right now.

If Mitt could clone himself, he would be the perfect unbeatable politician. Liberal on social issues, conservative on economic policy. Keeps your taxes and spending down, somewhere in between. Somewhere in between depending on if he listens to himself, or his clone. On foreign policy, he would be exactly where independent voters are. The Christian-Right, would hate him because he’s not trying to tell Americans how to live their lives. Progressives would hate him because he’s not spending every dollar Uncle Sam takes in, or increasing taxes on everyone. But if this were 1988 or 1980, the Romney Campaign wouldn’t even have to consider creating a time machine, or cloning Mitt. Because this is where the Republican Party use to be politically.

The GOP, so much liberal on social issues. But took the attitude that government shouldn’t be telling Americans how to live their lives. Which is actually conservative politics as well. Could the time machine be Mitt Romney’s secret weapon to winning the presidential election? What happens after he’s nominated by the GOP and sees independent voters that liked his liberal positions on social Issues? Wait! It’s a time machine, so he would be able to go back in time and delete his ass-kissing of Christian-Right Voters in the Republican primaries. A time machine would be a hell of a secret weapon, if only it existed. The problem is Mitt is stuck with whoever he is. At times its hard to tell with his flip flopping. I’m not sure even he knows who he is at this point.